Posts Tagged ‘pain’


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Running in my sleep

Today I woke and heard the rain
Whispering to me on the window pain
‘Get up and run’ it is a constant tug
A deep yearning for that post run buzz

Then a familiar ache reminds me
I still have to tame and heal this crippled leg
Exercises looping on repeat,
Strengthen rest, strengthen rest,

For all my work I cannot ever be complete
But maybe I can be just enough
All I need is a path that’s clear
A lot of healing and a little luck

© 2015 Peter Anstiss

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Still missing Dad

Father’s Day, this year,
It is a bittersweet deal for me,
Falling on the anniversary of the death of my own dad,
How ironic is that?
It has rushed in on the coattails of my son’s last day at school,
As my daughters degree results on the doormat fall,
As new jobs and responsibilities command,
A different me,
It’s all change, it’s different rules,
I will have to get used to them not always being around,
While they are finding their own feet,
Treading their own ground,
Of course, I still miss my dad,
He always found the right words and never judged me,
He wasn’t perfect,
But we had a special bond,
One I strive to achieve,
With my own daughter,
With my own son,
They make me proud,
They are the best of me,
Being a good dad,
I am always working at that,
Perhaps that is why I am sad?
That dad never saw the whole of the story
Never saw my children’s triumphs, and glories
Sad at how little they got to know their grandad,
But glad that some of me,
Echoes the best of him, the best that I can do,
Still missing you, dad,

© 2015 Peter Anstiss


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The lost boy

I find myself fearing that one more abyss
One more false step
Just might bring about the end of all this
It’s not that I am lacking in courage
I have clawed my way back before
And will do so again, if I can
But I am no longer armoured
With the boundless strength and youth
It is not always about me
It’s not even about the truth
There are other factors to consider
Other chaos that I can’t control
It seeps into my life
Casting long shadows,
Diminishing the light
Until everything is as black as them
Is that how it ends for me?
Despite all my planning
Despite all my mechanisms for coping
I will just lose myself in a bunch of nothing

I refuse to be lost

© 2015 Peter Anstiss


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Yesterday’s Whisper

Will you miss my words
If I stop writing them for you to read
Will you miss me if I become silent
If my whispers no longer carry to you on the breeze

You keep your distance
For that only I am to blame
But does your heart still flutter
When someone mentions my name

Some things forever change
But some things, even when they are cut with knife
Still keep their soul
Still stay the same

So, will my memory whisper to you
Before you turn to sleep
Will you still smile for me
Will I be a secret you keep

© 2015 Peter Anstiss


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The Mask

A coat for the rain
Pills for the pain
Breaths for the stress

A mask for the day ahead
Amongst the living
Despite the dead

© 2014 Peter Anstiss


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The sun beyond the storm

Beyond those skeleton days
Beyond the slashed feelings and pumping blood
Broken hearts mend, wounds heal,
And eventually scars form and fade

(I am a man of scars)

One foot in front of the other
You can discover
Shattered bones knit
The long game players don’t quit

(I have lived through a lot of broken bones)

And the storms may rage, and trees may fall
A home that’s broken is no home at all
On the morning tide something good might just wash up
Beyond the pain the sun will always come up

(I belong to the sun and the sea, but never that broken home)

© 2015 Peter Anstiss

Just a short scatter of abstract thoughts and a photo from a long walk during a roller coaster week.


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The King of the Liars

Rain crashed against the window pane
But it didn’t really matter
He was wrapped in the safety
Of coffee shop warmth
Amongst favourite smells
Safe from sleepless hell’s
Just reading the kiss and tells
Scribbling down the ideas
That the fresh inked pages seed

He had once called himself
The king of the liars
And was reminded of the fact
Whilst he stirred his coffee
And the singer sang
‘To a writer the truth is no big deal’*
Truth of course has its absolutes
But most truths are hidden in the grey
Shrouded in the things we never say

Nobody had wanted his truth, not even him
Even if he had spoken it when it had really mattered
No one was listening
It was a silent death
In a small wood, next to a ploughed field
Amongst the dead leaves, in the dank dark
On a cold, damp, autumn day
And everything he had been since then
Well, that had been, an invention, a lie

He had reinvented himself a dozen times
Committed a number of crimes
It was how he managed to survive
As he struggled to find his worth
A worth he finally found in her
Her safe arms, her deep love
Her innocent and happy care free ways
But insecurity and his soulless truth
Made her hard to keep

She was not to know
He will always be
The boy that never sleeps
The boy with shields of lies
The man that rarely cries
And though he had once died
He was still just a youth
And if you are a lie
How do you know the truth?

He couldn’t help
But be the man that never was
Some things are just because.
Some one, or some thing, makes us a lie,
Causes us to die
But of course even for him
‘Life goes on’*
It was just not the one
He was born to live

© 2015 Peter Anstiss

*L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. – Noah and the Whale

It seems apt that I should publish this in the week that one of my favourite bands announced that they are no more. ‘The King Of The Liars’ has been kicking about in my mind in one way or another for over a year. A poem/song that is in the past, future and present in the time it takes to drink a cup of coffee. Yet, though the idea was good and the raw emotions were there bubbling below the surface as they always are, it was the words of someone else that hit a chord and tied it all together. L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.


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Hard Rain and Small Victories

A silent run,
In the grey of the day,
Another small victory,
A triumph over the pain,
Head held high, I refuse to be low,
Though some days it seems,
All that I know,
Is how to wait for the rain,

© 2015 Peter Anstiss


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Frost Fire Days

On frost fire days
When all you are is need
When killers don’t kill the pain
Or stop the bleed

On frost fire days
Don’t clutch at straws
With fingers numb
And feelings raw

You must not yearn
For that needed kiss
That can never again
Touch your lips

Some things are forever lost,
When through fingertips they slip
Those tender moments
Are now someone else’s gift

On frost fire days
There are things to be done
Forget battles lost
Think of what you’ve won

© 2015 Peter Anstiss

If you like Frost Fire why not check out one of my older posts

The Forever Man

https://petescribes.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/the-forever-man-first-love-last-love-lost-love-forever-love/


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How do you love your pain?
Give it an acute name
Find the ironic in the chronic
Give it a smile
In a morphine haze
How do you love your pain?
It is part of you
What else can you do?

© 2014 by Peter Anstiss